Cuckoo cock?

They do things a little differently sur la continente. They drive on the wrong side of the road, they talk different, they don’t know what pork scratchings are, they’re a mixed up bunch of bloody foreigners – and nowhere is more foreign than Switzerland.

I remember being perplexed as a child when my dad told me that cars with a little CH sticker on them were not from Czechoslovakia but were actually from Switzerland because the CH stands for Confederation Helvetica  – here we have a country so rubbish, it’s named after a font.

They can’t make up their minds whether they’re French, German or Italian. Or Swiss. Famous for a range of faintly ridiculous shit, from cuckoo clocks to fondue, and infamous for hoarding Nazi gold, a serious yet ingenious knife culture and laws against flushing the toilet after dusk, the Swiss are, by and large, quite a lot nicer than their immediate neighbours.

When it comes to football though, unlike their immediate neighbours, the Swiss have not really done much on the world stage, least of all creating generation after generation of football fans whose preference for the Young Boys of Bern makes them sound like a particularly conspicuous continental paedophile ring.

Perhaps then, this piece of Swiss toilet wall art is homage to the Young Boys of Bern.

But wait, what’s that? Let’s take a closer look at the footballer…..

Amazing. Dangling down like a couple of inverted WWII sea mines, this cockless masterpiece is a wonder to behold. It’s not what you see, you see, it’s what you don’t see.

The English gave the world Goldenballs, the Swiss gave us Genevaballs.

If you’re in Geneva soon, take a trip to Restaurant Olé-Olé Rue de Fribourg 11, 1201.

The only review in English I found on the web says this: “It’s not the best service the first time you go, but they remember you coming back and then it’s really a great place with good ambiance. Food is rudimentary, but always a very good value.”

What it doesn’t say is: “… and in the toilet is a picture of a football player featuring graffiti hairy testicles NO PENIS.”

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Veg and two fruits

OK, so this isn’t wall art, but it is art. Someone has taken the time and trouble to make a penis-based statement. This was the vegetarian starter at my friends’ wedding.

Is it a commentary on the point of vegetarianism or is it just a crass gag, the kind of gag we’ve all made at one point or another with food items?

Who cares, it’s bloody funny, cos, hey, guess what? It kinda looks like a cock and some balls.

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Diphallic t’artist

All sorts of stuff can happen in nine months. But not, it seems, regular sightings of cock-based wall art. Trust me, wherever I go, I keep a eye out for penis graffiti. The last post here was January, and even that (if we’re being honest) was a bit shit.

Still, like proverbial London buses, you wait for ages (for nine months in this case, which if it were a London bus would be terrible and well worth a strong letter to TFL), and then two come along at once.

First up is my second reader contribution, it’s a profile piece rendered in chalk on the side of a bus shelter. A lack of semen lets it down, as indeed does the absence of pubic hair. However, those shortcomings are all forgotten when we learn that the cock was spotted in Shaftesbury.

There isn’t much of a shaft really. The penis is fat and round, and brings to mind Flash Gordon’s space ship in the black & white TV series from the 50s.

It is surely no coincidence that a character called Flash flies around in a gigantic metal dildo.

Moving on.

The second of today’s graffiti penises was spotted by me. It’s a classic location, less amusing sounding than Shaftesbury, but a more appropriate setting. A service station toilet cubicle. The composition is also more thought provoking that the previous member. With the artist taking advantage of the toilet roll dispenser branding to add his own commentary.

I wonder what Leonardo would have thought had he known that one day his name would be misappropriated first by a lavatory hygienist, then second by a penis graffitist. Still, I suppose it’s a step up from Dan Brown’s shit book and Tom Hanks’ even shitter film.

Of course, back in the day, Leo was no stranger to the joys of penis art.

Da Vinci has let himself down here though I reckon, the pubes are quite lifelike but where’s the spunk?

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No business like snow penis

Happy New Cocks 2011!

It has taken a while, but at long last a contribution has come in. I’ll leave it to the contributor (who I will call Mike, as that is his name) to describe his find.

“It was taken on Great Tichfield St on 17th December, I do believe. Someone had rather pleasingly drawn one on every car on the street, ending with a naked lady with a massive yawning underpart on a white van. It was well impressive. (The effort. And the underpart, for that matter.)”

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Southwank Bridge Dickhead

It was the Lord Mayor’s Show on Saturday in London. So I went to watch from Southwark Bridge the traditional firework display above the Thames. After the fireworks I made my way along Southwark Street towards London Bridge. It was just as we passed under a railway bridge that I spotted something quite surreal. Quite surreal, yet quite unmistakable.

It was a graffiti penis readers. But this was no ordinary graffiti penis, it was like nothing I have seen before. That said, there was nothing particularly strange about the penis itself, two black spray painted testicles either side of vertically oriented shaft, topped off with a classical bellend and pisshole combination.

Where things suddenly take a turn down Tales of the Unexpected lane is beneath the piece. It is subtle readers and a bit like one of those weird 3D pictures that were popular back in the early 90s, you might need to defocus your eyes to make out the true image.

Here, see if you can spot it. It might take a couple of minutes to sink in:

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As it’s Friday I went to the pub with my colleagues, at one point the rambling conversation wandered into the territory of former colleagues. One of my colleagues has ‘inherited’ a footstool from a previous employee who went on maternity leave, since the colleague that went on maternity leave is not coming back and has, in fact, got a job in France with Le Coq Sportif.

Cue hilarious and juvenile tittering. ‘The active cock’. I must admit that I was party to the laughter. Another colleague of mine suggested that the logo should be “a cock with little cock arms and sweat bands”.

“It would look like a cactus,” she said.

“A cocktus,” I replied.

Man, you had to be there, we’re bloody hilarious we are.

I got back to the office and the same colleague IM’d me almost immediately with her artistic impression of a cocktus.

“It’s not graffiti,” I said, “I can’t put that on the blog.”

“It’s cyber graffiti,” she pointed out. And, well, it is and it is also quite amusing too, so here for your viewing pleasure is the word’s first cyber graffiti cocktus.

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The London Borough of Penis

’nuff said:

OK, so it isn’t a graffiti penis, but it is quite amusing nevertheless…

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